I Will Not Be Beaten

Humble Return

2006-09-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in forever. There has been a lot of stuff I have wanted to talk about on here, but frankly I just don't feel safe. See the Ex knew all about my old blogs and this blog is so specific in the details that I could definitely see him finding it if he wanted to. So I have decided to go back to a private blog.

I have jerked you all around so many times that I am not so self-involved to believe that you will follow me - but if you are interested - send me a message to mebutstronger@yahoo.com for the info.

I really want to be able to talk openly like I could before and share pictures and that sort of thing.

Anyway life is pretty good, with the occasional down (isn't there always something?) and I would love to share some more details for those that care to hear.

Still Standing,
Miss X

Quick Update

2006-08-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for being such awesome cheerleaders. You hug me when I am down and celebrate with me when I am up. I am very blessed.

Life is good, but very busy. I am working way more hours than I am supposed to it at a job that I really do not care for, but it is okay. I am trying to find something better and I am sure I will it will just take some time.

School is busy but I am just about to be on a break from that for awhile and I am looking forward to the breather. My schedule this fall is pretty heavy duty and I am not looking forward to balancing that with a job and a social life. One day at a time I guess.

Social life. I am busy and spend a lot of time with some great friends and family. And something else in that areana is very new and I am not ready to talk about it, but if and when I allow it to develop I will let you know. Just know I am cautiously happy and cautiously optimistic. Regardless of the outcome I am positive about my future.

Oh and did I mention that since my marriage ending I have now lost a total of 45 pounds! I still want to loose another 20 but damn it all if I don't look pretty smokin'. ;)

Still Standing,
Miss X

Missing

2006-08-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

I know I have been absent for awhile. I will finish the story, but right now I am in a really good place. I just cannot talk myself into caring about what happened right now. Too happy.

I will be back later, but right now I am too busy be happy and stuff.

Still Standing,
Miss X

Part Two 'It Gets Worse'

2006-07-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Daylight finally comes and the Ex keeps pretending he is asleep. He is clearly not asleep. I run to the bathroom crying. He hears me, but ignores it. Finally after another hour or so he realizes he can fake sleep no longer and sits up. I ask him to talk to me about it. Once again he says that he does not want to talk about it. Finally he tells me that he thinks that I should go away for awhile and that I should leave and drive back to my parents. (Oh yes he did actually tell me to leave). Then he said he was leaving to go to the gym and stormed out, leaving me sobbing.

I packed my things to go to my parents. I was a fool to obey him, but I was so deeply shocked that I was not thinking clearly. Hours past and he did not come home. Finally I put my things in my car, grabbed my dog and drove to the gym. surprisingly enough he was actually there. I told him I was leaving for awhile. He walked me to my car. He knew I was broken. Tears poured down my cheeks. He hugged me to him, kissed my forehead, told me he loved me and that he just needed to “think for a few days”, but that everything would be alright. It was a glimmer of hope I held onto tightly.

I left to visit my parents. I was so stupid. It was already one in the afternoon, in the dead of winter, and I had a ten hour drive over mountain passes to get home. Did I mention, I did not call my parents and tell them I was coming? I was too ashamed.

That drive will remain burned on my soul forever. I cannot even begin to express the fear and panic I felt. This person who had sent me away, this was not the man I had known and been in-love with. His eyes were vacant. His actions were crazy. I did not know anything about this person and what I knew terrified me. I prayed a constant and begging prayer of a desperate woman the entire drive. I was hysterical and in absolutely no shape to drive, let alone over mountain passes at night.

I ended up in quite literally a blizzard. It is an absolute miracle I made it. Later I found out several feet of snow dropped on the pass that night and even snow vehicles were not making it over. When I tried to call the Ex from my cell to ask him his advice about the storm because I was scared, he yelled at me “Don’t be stupid! Figure it out for yourself!”. When I called him a few hours later, he did not answer. He did not care what happened to me. I think me dying would have been an out for him. No one would know the creep he had become and then he would be rid of me. I truly believe this.

I finally made it and I was a mess. I called the Ex to tell him I made it alive. He did not answer. He did not care. I was at my parents for a week. He never called. When I called him he yelled at me to leave him alone and that he would call me when he was good and ready. When I cried, he hung up. I was physically ill. I threw up, I could not sleep, I cried constantly.

Finally at the end of the week, my mom said I had to go home and figure out what was going on. She would not let me call him to tell him (I think she had a hunch what was up and she did not want to give him a heads up to hide things). I listened to her and knew she was right, but I was scared to death. Terrified of what I would find out.

The drive home was terrifying. When I finally arrived home it was night and he was at work. I tore through the entire house from top to bottom looking for answers. All of our pictures were face down. There was a gourmet meal (obviously for more then one) prepared in the kitchen. That was all I could find.
It occurred to me that if he came home that night and saw my car he would just turn around and leave. I would never get any answers. I knew I had to go to his work.

I drove to his job and found his car. I did not have an ignition key to his car, but I did have a door key. I quickly opened his car and searched it from top to bottom. Nothing. Then I saw his cell phone. I knew in my heart it would tell me something. There were several text messages that said things that were hard to pin down “call me”, “I’m struggling”, and then there it was “I am always thinking of you”. I called the number and the voice was female. And worse yet I knew the voice (which I will explain in another post). I listened to the Ex’s voicemail, and there was a message from his dad. I almost deleted it without listening but then I heard his dad say “So yeah, I will be here Tuesday to help you move out.”. I almost died. He told his parents he was leaving me, but did not even have the courage to tell me. He was going to actually move out before I came home! I was furious! He planned for me to come home to an empty house!

It was confrontation time and I had to wait a couple of hours for him to come out.

It was a long few hours.

Part Three to be continued….

Still Standing,
Miss X

Part One of ‘The End’

2006-07-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

This is tough to write and hopefully will not be too disjointed, but it might be. I am mostly writing this for myself so feel free to skip this if it is too depressing.

Starting sometime around the end of January and the beginning of February I started noticing some strange behavior in the Ex. The oddities started out pretty subtly and I can really only see them now in hindsight. He was crankier, a little shorter of a temper, slightly less “I love you” and hugs. But it was not constant, not often enough for anyone to really feel any concern other then thinking he was having a bad day or something. He was having some trouble at his new job and I chalked it up to work stress.

It was not until sometime around our last two weeks together that his behavior seemed to drastically change. Suddenly he had to “work late” almost every night - as an aside he had the perfect working late cover-up, his job could mandatory overtime and they did not have to pay so there was really no way for me to know he was not working those hours. I typed in love notes to pop up on his cell phone and he freaked out - “Stop putting shit in my phone!”. When he saw my crushed face he instantly tried to back-peddle. I accepted his apology. In those last weeks he got a couple of strange phone calls where he ran outside to take the call using the excuse that it was his boss and he could not hear. When I walked outside he quickly hung up the phone.

He started taking showers at night before going to bed instead of his usual morning showers. I found strange unexplained scratches on him (it makes me want to puke just typing that), that he blamed on the dog. He stopped saying “I love you” unless I said it first. He picked fights with me.

The last two days we were together is when things really reached a climax. I said “I love you” to him and he lost it screaming “Why do you say that every five minutes?!”. When I tried to hug him the next day he seemed to literally recoil from me with disgust.

Then on a Saturday night, after a day of the Ex being in a terrible mood, things took a bad turn. We were sitting on the couch watching the Olympics and the Ex was obviously restless. Finally he jumps up and says he is going to bed. About 15 - 20 minutes later he reappears, picks up our rented movies and walks to the door saying he has to return them, when I ask him if I can come, he says no and slams the door. He took my car. I did not have keys to his car - I know this was to keep me from being able to leave the house.

An hour later I am starting to freak out. The video store was about 2 minutes from our house. The Ex will not answer his cell phone. I have no fucking clue as to what is going on. Another hour passes and I hear the car screech into the drive way. He storms into the house. When I ask him what is going on and where has he been he throws me into the wall. He says he is going out and asks me for money. I told him no, tell me what is going on. By this time I am hysterical. His eyes seem dead. He leaves anyway. In my car.

At four in the morning he came back home. He said nothing to me, took a shower, and then got into bed. When I ask him what is going on, that we have to talk about this. He tells me he does not want to talk. When I ask him if he wants to still be married to me, he pauses for a solid minute (I was terrified), finally he answers that he does not know what he wants. That he will talk about it in the morning.

I am horrified! Scared beyond belief - no way could I sleep, and he instantly falls asleep.

Part Two to be continued….

Still Standing,
Miss X

The Mind Knows

2006-07-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

Proof that my subconscious knew a lot more than I did. I wrote this on Valentines day, two weeks before he dropped the bomb. When I wrote this I was shocked by what I wrote. I had no idea why I wrote something that made our marriage sound so bad. I wrote what my inner mind knew to be true, but what I was clueless about. Listen to your instincts. Trust your gut.

You promised to love me
Pledged your vow of forever.
There way no way to know
The life we'd face together.

Our path has been rocky,
So many trials and pains.
Littered with obstacles.
Absence of sun, filled with rain.

Are we star crossed lovers?
Being punished, doomed to fail?
Thrown in a stormy sea
Without oars still forced to sail?

The sky begins falling
I am frantic for your hand
So desperate for your love
Stop us sinking in the sand.

Coming close to drowning,
Oh how close to taking flight!
Hold on to me tightly
Hold on with all of your might!

What comes next is blurry
Can there be relief ahead?
Whatever happens next
Please remember what I said

I'll love you forever
It's to you I make this vow
My heart belongs to you
Yesterday. Tomorrow. Now.

I gave him the poem that night. He just stared at it for a long time with a bewildered look on his face. Now I know why.

Still Standing,
Miss X

There Not All Good Days

2006-06-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

I really thought I would end this blog because I do not really fit in the way I use too, plus I am so busy. But then I had a couple of bad days and I realize that I need this for awhile longer.

I am in a very strange reality. It is so very difficult to deal with if I allow myself a moment to think on what has happened to me, what my life has become. Four and a half months ago I was a married woman who thought she was going to have a baby. I was discouraged, no doubt about it, but I thought I was getting close. I thought I knew how the rest of my life was going to look.

Every day now is spent working my ass off at my job and at school striving to achieve the goal of an independent woman with a career. What is wrong with that? Absolutely nothing, except for the very glaring fact that it is not the dream I want. Of course I want to be able to take care of myself, which is not the issue; rather the issue is that it can be difficult to motivate yourself to work your ass off for something you do not truly desire.

Feminists may hate me (though they should not, true woman’s rights are about choice), but I have never been a career driven woman. Jobs do not fulfill me in the way that they do other woman. What fulfills me are family, friends, and children. More then anything in the world I want to be married to a man I love and who loves me and to have our children. It is terrifying to realize that it may never happen for me. I hope and I pray it will, but I know all too well that nothing is certain.

There is no way to express the agony of knowing that your husband did not want you. Not only did he not want you, but he wanted someone else. And he now has children. (He lives with her and she has a couple of kids). How is it that he is the one that cheated and wronged me, but instead of suffering for it, I suffer in his place? I am the one that goes to sleep alone and lonely, I am the one who has to work and go to school, I am the one that hurts for the children I never had.

Cruel irony.

Soon I will post the story of what happened. I need to purge it, but it will take time. It is a painful place to go back to.

Still Standing,
Miss X

Sheepish Return

2006-06-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Oh wow! I have not posted in over a month.

So sorry for the absence, but my life is just so busy right now. I am working, going to school and still trying to have at least some form of a social life. I am going to need to really consider whether I have time for this blog anymore. Plus it is so damn boring that surely no one is going to what to read this drivel.

As far as the divorce crap, it was one nightmare after another. Long story, very short, I lost over 12 thousand dollars due solely to the Ex. It sucks, but thank God it is finally over. Hopefully I will never see his face or hear his voice again.

I am doing very well. Insanely well, actually.

I have the occasional moment were I get mad or sad. (Like when I finally got new batteries for my digital camera and all of the pictures were of us celebrating Christmas). But mostly I am good. The biggest sucky thing about all of this is feeling lonely at times. It is really nice to have a partner that you can always count on. Not that I ever really had that, but I digress...

Thankfully I have old friends coming out of the woodwork. It is crazy and wonderful. You really find out who your true friends are during this kind of stuff, and I am wonderfully surprised to say that I have many, many true friends. Outstanding.

I apologize for not keeping up with all of you better. I will really try to get caught up on all of you. I am moving in about a week or two (same area, new apartment) so I may be absent again, but once I have my own computer up again I should post much more frequently.

How are all of YOU? Fill me in. mebutstronger@yahoo.com

Still Standing,
Miss X

This Week in Bullet Form

2006-05-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

Okay I am ticked. I just wrote a huge blog post and lost the whole thing. Here is the cliff notes version.

Since my life exploded I joined a famous diet plan with the initials WW in late March.
So far I have lost 15lbs. I have a million more to go, but hope to reach my goal by Christmas.
Joined a gym. Blasting "Survivor" by Destiny's Child on my Ipod while mentally kicking my Ex's ass is very cathartic.
Getting straight A's in all of my classes. The whole controlling what you can when your life is so out of control thing.
The Ex actually had the nerve to try and black-mail me this week. Told me he would not return one of my possessions unless I paid him money. I kid you not. I told him that fine I would speed dial my lawyer. Suddenly he decided he would mail me my stuff. Freaking loser.
House is still not sold. And now instead of the mold thing costing us $7k it is costing almost $10k.
Learning a lot about mistakes I made in marrying him. In hindsight there were a lot of red flags. I am sadder but wiser. Next time I will be much smarter.

I am off to the gym. That is what lonely divorcees do on a Friday night. (sigh)

"This too shall pass"...

Still Standing,

Miss X

Still Here

2006-04-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Man it has been almost a month since I last posted. I'm really sorry for not updating sooner. I started school the next week and I have been so busy that I flat out forgot about my blog.

I am now officially divorced. Unfortunately I still have to communicate with him since our house has not sold yet. Basically everything has been one nightmare after another. My lawyer was scum of the earth and lied to me on multiple occasions. He told me he filed the divorce and I found out 2 weeks later that he hadn't. His secretary was so rude and actually hung up on me. Twice. I kid you not.

Our house was sold but then the inspection turned up mold. Yep. It is costing us seven thousand dollars to fix. Oh yeah and apparently the Fucker knew about the mold and didn't bother to tell me. Fucker. He is supposed to be sending me money for half of the mortgage and he is not. He is claiming to be broke and is expecting me to pick up the pieces. The realitor told me he has trash all over the house and refuses to clean it. It is one freaking nightmare after another.

Mostly I am doing really well, especially in spite of everything I am going through. But sometimes I have very dark days. I am angry and I am so very lonely. I am furious that I went through 2 1/2 years of infertility hell only to be left with no husband and no baby. I cannot understand how this happened, I just keep trudging on.

I will survive if for no other reason then to spite him. I will have a happy life. I will have a real, true husband someday and a baby. I will thrive. I will be stronger and wiser for surviving his shit. He is not worth me dying. I will live.

Still Standing,
Miss X

Starting Over

2006-03-30T18:00:00.000-08:00

Wow. I am really touched by the comments. You ladies are really the best. Through thick and thin friends for sure. I am blessed to have you in my life.

I cannot bear to blog about all of the sordid details right now, but I am sure I will get it out piece by piece. The Fucker is clearly not the person I thought he was. The things he has done and his attitude about it even now is beyond disgusting. I would treat an enemy better then he has treated me. He truly isn't worthy to lick the dirt off my shoes. Oh and did I mention that the *MMOUW is also married. With children. Yeah.

My emotions change from one moment to the next. Most of the time I think I am still in shock. To say that I did not see this coming is an understatement of gargantuan proportions. In the past when I would hear of someone's cheating husband I would silently wonder how she could be so dumb to not know. Surely she must know. You may all now call me dumb. Because I did not see it coming.

I hate him and I hate her with such a loathing passion that I have to reign myself in from doing something terrible. I want them to hurt twice as badly as they have hurt me. But the really terrible side of me, the side I hate most, still loves the Fucker. I would NEVER, EVER take him back, but I still love him. I pray that soon that part will go away.

For now I am attempting to pick up the pieces of my life. Some days I am so strong I shock myself. Other days it takes every bit of me just to get out of bed. But I know I will make it. I know that I can clearly survive anything. And all this before the age of 25. Fuck.

Sc*hool starts next week. I am doing Pre-N*ursing. (*I don't want family to find this in a google search.) I may change my mind on the major, but it is what I am starting with for now. I am scared to go back to school, but also liberated. I will always be able to provide for myself. And no man will ever be able to take that away from me again.

*Much, Much Older, Ugly Whore (Thanks Kate!)

Still Standing,
Miss X

Me But Stronger

2006-03-28T19:19:00.000-08:00

If you all found me again, thank you. Welcome. Hopefully this blog will chronicle much happier times in my future.

Subjects to come:

The Fucker is living with the much, much older, ugly whore. And I know she is much, much older and ugly because the Fucker had me go out with a group a meet her about three weeks before I knew he was screwing her.
I have enrolled in college. I'm scared but I will not be at anybodys mercy again. I start soon.
Living back at home since I am now pretty damn poor.
Entering the scary, scary single world.
More random crap.

Check back soon! And thank you for standing by me. I love you all.

Still Standing,

Miss X