Daylight finally comes and the Ex keeps pretending he is asleep. He is clearly not asleep. I run to the bathroom crying. He hears me, but ignores it. Finally after another hour or so he realizes he can fake sleep no longer and sits up. I ask him to talk to me about it. Once again he says that he does not want to talk about it. Finally he tells me that he thinks that I should go away for awhile and that I should leave and drive back to my parents. (Oh yes he did actually tell me to leave). Then he said he was leaving to go to the gym and stormed out, leaving me sobbing.
I packed my things to go to my parents. I was a fool to obey him, but I was so deeply shocked that I was not thinking clearly. Hours past and he did not come home. Finally I put my things in my car, grabbed my dog and drove to the gym. surprisingly enough he was actually there. I told him I was leaving for awhile. He walked me to my car. He knew I was broken. Tears poured down my cheeks. He hugged me to him, kissed my forehead, told me he loved me and that he just needed to “think for a few days”, but that everything would be alright. It was a glimmer of hope I held onto tightly.
I left to visit my parents. I was so stupid. It was already one in the afternoon, in the dead of winter, and I had a ten hour drive over mountain passes to get home. Did I mention, I did not call my parents and tell them I was coming? I was too ashamed.
That drive will remain burned on my soul forever. I cannot even begin to express the fear and panic I felt. This person who had sent me away, this was not the man I had known and been in-love with. His eyes were vacant. His actions were crazy. I did not know anything about this person and what I knew terrified me. I prayed a constant and begging prayer of a desperate woman the entire drive. I was hysterical and in absolutely no shape to drive, let alone over mountain passes at night.
I ended up in quite literally a blizzard. It is an absolute miracle I made it. Later I found out several feet of snow dropped on the pass that night and even snow vehicles were not making it over. When I tried to call the Ex from my cell to ask him his advice about the storm because I was scared, he yelled at me “Don’t be stupid! Figure it out for yourself!”. When I called him a few hours later, he did not answer. He did not care what happened to me. I think me dying would have been an out for him. No one would know the creep he had become and then he would be rid of me. I truly believe this.
I finally made it and I was a mess. I called the Ex to tell him I made it alive. He did not answer. He did not care. I was at my parents for a week. He never called. When I called him he yelled at me to leave him alone and that he would call me when he was good and ready. When I cried, he hung up. I was physically ill. I threw up, I could not sleep, I cried constantly.
Finally at the end of the week, my mom said I had to go home and figure out what was going on. She would not let me call him to tell him (I think she had a hunch what was up and she did not want to give him a heads up to hide things). I listened to her and knew she was right, but I was scared to death. Terrified of what I would find out.
The drive home was terrifying. When I finally arrived home it was night and he was at work. I tore through the entire house from top to bottom looking for answers. All of our pictures were face down. There was a gourmet meal (obviously for more then one) prepared in the kitchen. That was all I could find.
It occurred to me that if he came home that night and saw my car he would just turn around and leave. I would never get any answers. I knew I had to go to his work.
I drove to his job and found his car. I did not have an ignition key to his car, but I did have a door key. I quickly opened his car and searched it from top to bottom. Nothing. Then I saw his cell phone. I knew in my heart it would tell me something. There were several text messages that said things that were hard to pin down “call me”, “I’m struggling”, and then there it was “I am always thinking of you”. I called the number and the voice was female. And worse yet I knew the voice (which I will explain in another post). I listened to the Ex’s voicemail, and there was a message from his dad. I almost deleted it without listening but then I heard his dad say “So yeah, I will be here Tuesday to help you move out.”. I almost died. He told his parents he was leaving me, but did not even have the courage to tell me. He was going to actually move out before I came home! I was furious! He planned for me to come home to an empty house!
It was confrontation time and I had to wait a couple of hours for him to come out.
It was a long few hours.
Part Three to be continued….
Still Standing,
Miss X
